When I meet with a couple planning to get married, one of the
first things I try to emphasize is that the wedding ceremony
will be more special if they work with me to make it a
celebration of their unique relationship. All weddings include
“I Do’s” (also known as “The Marriage Questions”), Vows, ring
exchanges, and a kiss, but there are ways to vary all of these
elements, and add more, to create a service that suits you as
specifically a couple.
For instance, I suggest that couples find special readings to
intersperse throughout the ceremony. It might be a favorite
Scripture reading or two, which if fine, but I also encourage
couples to find favorite poems or blessings or prayers that can
be shared as well. One couple particularly loved the wording on
a greeting card he gave her for their engagement, so I read that
as part of the service. Others love the Apache Wedding Blessing
as a closing prayer, while still others have asked for Emily
Dickinson or Mary Oliver poems to be read, or something from
Gibran’s “The Prophet” - either “On Marriage” or “On Children.”
Many couples can’t think of something off the tops of their
heads when I first meet with them, so I ask them to be on the
lookout for something in the intervening weeks between our
visits. There are wonderful wedding anthologies out there that
you can look through as well as internet wedding sites with
suggestions as well. The point is this - if there is a
particular piece of literature or writing you love, ask the
Officiant to include it in your ceremony, as a way of making the
service special to you as a couple. And if you can’t think of
something right off hand, do some looking around. When it’s all
over, you will be glad to have something read at your ceremony
that fits you as a couple, or has special meaning for you.
What about the vows? Well, there certainly are different ways
you can exchange your “I Do’s” and Vows. You can use traditional
forms, which your Officiant will have copies of, or you can use
more modern versions of them, which you can find online or in
books if the person doing your ceremony doesn’t have them
available. And of course you can even write your own. I’ve had
couples look over several different versions of Marriage
Questions and Vows, and end up combing variations of them for
their own ceremony. Whatever you choose, you don’t have to just
go with the garden variety traditional vows, unless they are
special to you in and of themselves. Go for something special.
I always recommend either repeating your vows after the
Officiant prompts you, or reading them yourselves from a written
card - and try to discourage memorization since the stress of a
wedding can lead to sudden lapses in memory.
Same goes for the exchange of rings. It’s fine to go the
traditional route (”with this ring, I thee wed”) but there are
many variations I’ve used throughout the years. One of the
neatest practices I’ve begun in recent years is to invite 4-6
people who are close to the couple to come forward for a
blessing of the rings before they are exchanged. The loved ones
form a circle around the couple and take the rings in their own
hands, offering a silent blessing over the rings on behalf of
the couple before passing them on to the next person in the
circle. Then when the rings return to me, I invite the couple to
exchange the rings using whatever wording they’ve chosen. This
works especially well when a couple is bringing two families of
children together, letting the children take part by blessing
the rings as a newly formed family.
What else can you include to make your wedding special? I always
encourage music to be part of the ceremony if that is to your
tastes. If you don’t have access to a soloist or string quartet,
and cousin Lenny really doesn’t sing as well as Aunt Marge
thinks he does - don’t be afraid to use recorded music during
your ceremony. Most weddings have processional and recessional
music, but you don’t need to limit yourselves to those pieces.
If you have songs you both love, consider interspersing them
throughout your ceremony as well. Without music, most weddings
only last 15-20 minutes, and that’s fine. But if you want to
stretch it out a bit longer, consider adding music to the
program.
Most Officiants will offer some sort of Charge to the Couple or
Blessing - that’s something we usually write after getting to
know a couple. It’s our chance to offer words of wisdom about
life and marriage, using what we know of a couple from our time
spent together in pre-marital counseling. I will usually let a
couple know what I am thinking of saying, in general, while
reassuring them I won’t share personal information they might
not want shared (even if it IS a good story!) So make sure to
ask your Officiant about the charge or blessing - and if there
are funny anecdotes you’ve shared in counseling that you’d
prefer not be shared in front of Grandma, make sure to let your
Officiant know that ahead of time!
Maybe you want to include children in the service somehow, or
your parents. Perhaps you want to light the Unity Candle at some
point, or share a blessing together as a newly married couple.
Whatever it is, it’s your wedding, and the ideas I’ve shared are
just a few of the ones I’ve gathered over the years - just the
tip of the iceberg when it comes to planning your ceremony. I
hope it gets you thinking about how you can make your own
ceremony special, and maybe spark some ideas of your own.
Whatever occurs to you, share it with your Officiant to see if
he/she is willing to do something you have in mind. Some will be
fine with what you suggest, but other, more traditional clergy
might not be as open to some of your ideas. But it doesn’t hurt
to ask.
Good luck, and have fun!
