Veronicle Blog

It is All In the Head

How you feel, your cognitive state and your mode is at any given moment an outcome of chemical and biological operations in your brain. Psychology is the science of the affective mind but is intimately linked to brain surgery and aesculapian science. “Love at first sight” is specified as a condition in which somebody experiences tender passion for a alien immediately upon meeting them. Brain imaging indicates that when this happens regions of the brain affected with Dopastat, a hormone and neurotransmitter are sparked. The opposite is the case with clinical depression and anxiety where the status of neurotransmitters is modest. Cipralex acts to increase the neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine.

Cognitive psychological science is a manner to effect the brain to produce more Serotonin by coaching individuals to reckon optimistic, to see forward to the better rather than constantly fear the toughest. Cognitive behavioral intervention do have an impression on social media, humour and minor depressive disorders. Reports even suggests that it may be workable to train people to alter the way in which the pain centers of the brain shape tough inputs, making the perception of pain less strong. Hypnotherapy is another possibility as one well known client tells: “I?m slenderly insightful as he assures me to lie back and close my eyes, keen not to arouse up neighing like a sheep, or darker still: incapable ever to love food or swallow java ever again. ?SEO? he assures me, his voice centered ‘tween a seductive murmur and a gentle imperative”.

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This article looks at strategies and gives advice to help people control their anger. I am sure that we all become angry from time to time and want to lash out at the people who are annoying us or who have let us down. This is course is not the answer and the article gives tips on how we should be responding to these situations.

I used to easily become angry and could not believe the way certain people were treating me. I wanted to teach them a lesson which would help them to mend their ways. The only way I could think of responding was by shouting at them, threatening them or by using violence against them.

I will give you an example of a situation where a person basically cheated me out of a large sum of money. I was looking at turning my front garden into a driveway and I had a number of people around to the house, all of which gave me a quote for the work.

I decided to accept a quote from John who seemed a very nice and trustworthy man. Him and his team spent a couple of days laying the drive during which I was keeping them well supplied with foods and drinks, we all got on very well.

He advised me not to park my car on the new drive for a few days to let it settle and become hardened. I waited a week and then drove my car onto the new driveway. To my horror the driveway dipped and I later found out from a friend that they had not put any hardcore (I think that is what it is called) down.

I tried to contact John but he did not answer his phone, I went round to see him and he would not answer his door. I became more and more angry and started to plan my revenge.

Walking away

I had many options through the courts which I could and did pursue. It was a lengthy process and John basically did not have any money to repay me despite eventually admitting responsibility.

I have now decided to let nature take its course and to walk away. This is not just from the situation above but from any similar event.

When me wife annoys me, I will just walk away to compose myself. I was once told to count to ten which is certainly a good idea. Being angry, like the way I always used to be, is not good for my health and causes me to become stressed, to become depressed and to lose sleep.

I now see people as apples in a bucket. Out of ten apples, three will be rotten. Instead of feeling angry at the rotten apples, I feel sorry for them.

I firmly believe in God and have now decided that I do not need to seek any form of revenge as he will be judge and jury on judgement day. At this stage these people will have nowhere to hide.

Living life this way is far easier for me and I only wish I had had this approach and form of anger management technique, years ago.

Stephen Hill helps to promote a number of websites including:

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free poker tips

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We are constantly barraged by both outer and inner pressures. It appears that the more we grow technology and paths to evolve things more quickly, the more panic anxiety attacks increase. This is an enigma. You might believe that progress in technology would lead to easing tension. Even so, anxiety and depression appear much worse now than when compared to the past. I guess it’s possible that in the past, such conversation topics were avoided. Well they surely make an issue of it these days. Truth is, as you flip through TV channels, I’m sure you’ve witnessed some sort of ad for a medicine, which offers panic attacks treatment (http://anxiety–treatment.info).

These issues are rising to the surface and being discussed openly. It might be simply public place aversion or trouble sleeping, scientists are always coming up with revolutionary ways to fix it. Anxiety and depression are surely at the top of this long list. When I think about depression, I think of someone who has of late suffered the loss of a loved one or someone who is disabled in such a way that keeps them from carrying on normally. In most situations this is not the case. We are surrounded by people that are pummeled by the burden of anxiety and depressive disorder for other reasons. The fact is we often do not know the reasons. You may wonder if it concerns the food we eat. Curiously, contentment with life is elusive to most people.

A subject that concerns me, is teens. Anxiety and natural depression seems to be hitting them more than anyone these days. Granted, being a teenager is difficult in some areas, and incredibly delightful in others. Through many teenagers eyes, it seems all terrible. I was a teen myself not long ago. We all know what it’s like. However, I can never recall being depressed. This makes me wonder what has changed lately. Depressive Disorder should not be a childhood experience. In fact, anxiety attacks and depression should be much less frequent than it is altogether.

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As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker’s Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything under control, something terrible happenes. A death in the family. Oh my God you say? What do I do now? Well since I have been there, let me tell you what you need to know.

When someone close died in my life, I plunged immediately into an unfamiliar state of emotion, frustration, anxiety and grief. Needless to say, I wasn’t any good to my business. I couldn’t make decisions and was totally helpless not knowing what to do. After talking to financial advisors, attorneys and accountants, all of which was very time consuming and extremely costly, I learned that I had a lot more to learn.

If you have a death in the family and all of a sudden you realize you are in charge, gather the following information before consulting the professionals. It will save you time away from your business and relieve some of the stress. Not to mention make it easier for your consultants and saving you money. Here is a list of the things you may need to do to settle the estate and who can help you with answers:

GENERAL PROCESS FOR ESTATE SETTLEMENT

Send for Copies of Death Certificate

Gather Information on Estate Assets: Executor, Trustee, Family Members, Financial Advisors

Meetings With Estate Planning Attorney, Accountant, Financial Advisors

Valuation of Assets - Date of Death or Alternate Date Six Months Later: Executor, Trustee, Family Members, Financial Advisors

Get Appraisals for Real Property and Business Interests: Executor, Trustee, Family Members

Preparation and Filing of United States Estate Tax Return Form 706: Attorney

Preparation of Estate Settlement Allocation Schedule: Attorney

Preparation and Filing of Estate Income Tax Return: Attorney and Accountant

Meetings With Family To Determine Appropriate Reallocation of Estate Assets

Consider - Assets and Amounts to be Placed Into A/B, A/B/C or Other Trusts, Needs And Abilities Of Surviving Spouse, Family Gifting Programs: Executor, Trustee, Family Members, Financial Advisors

Set Up Listing of Buys/Sells for Schedule D of the Applicable Income Tax Returns: Executor, Trustee, Family Members, Financial Advisors

Transfer and Change of Title/Ownership Registration of Estate Assets into Newly Created Trusts, Existing Trusts, Business, Joint or Personal Accounts: Executor, Trustee, Family Members, Financial Advisors

Preparation and Filing of Applicable Joint and/or Individual Income Tax Returns: Accountant

One of the hardest parts of estate settling I found was the filing of the Estate Tax Return. The following is much of the information you will need. Your accountant and attorney will ask for it so you may as well have it ready.

INFORMATION NEEDED FOR UNITED STATES ESTATE TAX RETURN

FOR EACH ASSET IN THE ESTATE YOU WILL NEED TO INDICATE THE OWNERSHIP. FOR EXAMPLE: DECEDENT, SPOUSE, JOINT WITH SPOUSE, JOINT WITH OTHER JOINT TENANTS, TENANTS IN COMMON, LIMITED PARTNERSHIP, GENERAL PARTNERSHIP, PART OF BUSINESS INTEREST

Real Estate:

Description, Property Appraisal, Valuation
Include Personal Residence Here If Applicable

Stocks and Bonds:

Description, CUSIP Number, Number of Shares, Price Per Share, Bond Par Value, Number of Bonds, Price Per Bond, Total Value

Mortgages and Notes:

Face Value and Unpaid Balance, Date of Mortgage or Note, Date of Maturity, Name of Maker, Property Mortgaged, Interest Dates and Rate of Interest

Cash:

Name and Address of Financial Institution, Account Balance, Account Number, Nature of Account - Checking, Savings, C.D.’s

Insurance on Life: Name of Insurance Company, Policy Number, Number of Decedents: Form 712 Life Insurance Statement from Company, Include - Insurance on Decedent’s life receivable by or
for benefit of estate and receivable by beneficiaries other than the estate

Jointly Owned Property:

Information as indicated above - Interests Held By Decedent and Spouse as the Only Joint Tenant, All Other Joint Tenants

Other Misc. Property:

In this section list items not included in any other;

section above such as -

Debts Due the Decedent

Interests in Business

Interests in Partnership or Unincorporated Business

Insurance on Life of Another

Section 2044 (QTIP from Prior Transfer) Property

Claims, Judgements

Rights, Royalties, Leaseholds

Reversionary or Remainder Interests

Shares in Trust Funds

Household Goods and Personal Effects

Automobiles, Boats, R.V.’s

Annuities, IRA’s

Name of Financial Institution,

Trustee or Custodian

Pensions:

Description Account Number, Account Value, Beneficiary Information; Transfers During,

If Applicable, All Necessary Information Decedents Life:

Powers of Appointment:

If Applicable, All Necessary Information

In addition to all of the above information for the federal estate tax return, you will need information including descriptions, asset values and expense amounts for the following allowable estate deductions:

Funeral Expenses
Expenses Incurred in Administering Property Subject to Claims
Debts of the Decedent
Mortgages and Liens
Net Losses During the Administration
Expenses Incurred in Administering Property Not Subject To Claims
Bequests to Surviving Spouse
Charitable, Public and Similar Gifts and Bequests

I hope you never have to use this information. But if you do, this will save you thousands of dollars in consulting fees, weeks of lost revenues from your business and a lot the stress, hardship and anxiety I went through.

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

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Copyright 2006 Christopher Green

I recently posted an article to my website about how certain beliefs underpin stress, depression and anxiety. One of the main beliefs I briefly introduced concerns helplessness. Helplessness is a major part of these illnesses so let’s look at how you can reduce the impact this flawed belief has.

Believing you are helpless in life is a truly terrible feeling and I write from personal experience here. For five years, a number of traumatic events led me to the point where I believed life held nothing but pain and anguish. I truly believed life would unfold in a way that would destroy me and there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.

Perhaps you’ve felt this way too?

The underlying belief is the important factor here. It is a firm belief that life is something that happens to you and you have NO CONTROL over anything. In short, you are a powerless, passive recipient for whatever life decides to throw at you.

It is an awful state to be in. Furthermore, this belief simply isn’t true.

Let me give an example. Say you and your partner split up. Now, this can be one very traumatic experience, I’ve been through it, so have many others. You react in a highly negative and emotionally arousing way:

“I’m devastated. He/she was my whole world and now my world has fallen apart. Everything I do in life always goes wrong and this is another disaster. I’ll never be happy again.”

Wow. It’s a powerful reaction isn’t it? I’m sure you, like me, have either reacted this way to an event or you’ve heard someone react this way. It is a very damaging way to assign a meaning to an event you are confronted with.

The last two sentences reveal the belief in helplessness. The key words are: Everything always goes wrong and never be happy again. When you react in such a way, you are telling yourself that you are helpless because nothing has ever gone right for you and you’ll never be happy no matter what. You’re saying you cannot control anything and therefore, you truly believe you’re helpless.

How do you think you’ll feel when you react like this? Exactly. You’ll feel deeply unhappy, confused, frustrated and of course, helpless to change your life. Why would you feel anything else? Everything ALWAYS goes wrong and you’ll NEVER be happy again so what’s the point of doing anything to create change?

Do you see how helplessness works? But it simply isn’t true. Of course, there are many things in life that are entirely beyond your control. Other people and Mother Nature to name but two. There are things in life you have some control over - where you live and work for example. It is important to keep these facts about control firmly in mind.

Here’s the most important fact about helplessness: There is one thing you have full control over in your life and that is how you react and assign meanings to everything you are confronted with. In the example above, a better reaction would be:

“OK, my relationship hasn’t worked but other things in my life are going well and I’ll concentrate on them for a while as I come to terms with what’s happened. Just because this relationship hasn’t worked out, it doesn’t mean future relationships will fail and once I’ve got over this, I’ll get out there and find someone better.”

See the difference? You’re keeping control by assigning a less emotional meaning, a meaning more in keeping with reality. You’re acknowledging that you’re hurting, but that this is temporary and when you’re ready, you’ll try again. You know you have other things in your life that you can concentrate on and this reaction will prevent a feeling of helplessness arising.

See you soon.

Former anxiety sufferer Chris Green is the author of “Conquering Stress”, the internationally acclaimed program which will help you to permanently conquer stress, depression and anxiety without taking powerful drugs. For a free mini course, please click here => www.conqueringstress.com

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One of the best ways of preventing or managing workplace stress is work planning. A planning tool is a good investment for improving yourself in most areas of life, your job included. You have to understand that there is nothing like a very routine work that doesn’t require any planning. The belief that it will go on by itself is wrong. Even tasks that can be done on an everyday basis can be improved if there is good planning involved. Everywhere there is scope for improvement, better methods that are yet to be implemented and problems that have to be solved. And for all this you need proper planning. Let’s take a look at the different steps involved in planning for a week. The best way to plan the work for a week is to maintain a planning sheet. Now, please remember that this is apart from the routine work that is done in the office.

The following steps will help you to make a planning sheet.

• Take a fairly big sheet of paper and divide it into the number of working days in your office.
• The column for each day should further be divided in to the morning and afternoon sessions.
• Divide the job to be done and assign each part to a concerned person.
• Decide on which part of the task is to be done on each day and at which part of the day.
• Put a cross mark followed by the concerned person’s initials on that section of the day on which you propose to do the decided part of the job.
• At the end of the day, if the job is done put a circle round the cross.
• If the job is not done, carry over the cross and add it to the next day’s cross.

In this way, at the end of the week, you can find out how much of the work was done each day and subsequent plans can be made for the following weeks. In this way you can plan for a week or a month, depending on your requirement.

While you are drafting your plan and estimating your expenses, you must never forget the fact that time means money. But your plan should be realistic as well. In order to finish the task at the earliest possible date, there is no sense in chalking out a schedule which would mean that you will have to break your back in order to meet the deadline. And that’s about planning.

You can get more free planning resources by doing a search online.

Terje Brooks Ellingsen is a writer and internet publisher. He runs the website 1st-Self_Improvement.net. Terje is a Sociologist who enjoys contributing to the personal growth and happiness of others. He tries to accomplish this by writing about self improvement issues from his own experience and knowledge. For example, improving your self esteem as well as career and work planning.

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In two articles entitled “We Are Not Our Personalities” and “Eliminating The Past” I make the point that it is now possible to “dismantle” all the life experience that is stored in the human bio-field, i.e. in our consciousness , with all its ensuing consequences.

Here I would like to highlight a point that perhaps I have not yet stressed. That is, what impact will this have on the livelihood of the many “psychotherapies” that currently exist and whose task it is: to “reorganize”, “fix” , “restructure”, “repair”, “work through”, or “understand” one’s past and the influence it has had on the organization of one’s personality?

Well, let’s look at this. If one is able to eliminate one’s past quickly, effectively and easily then this will cause a rapid “dismantling” of what one “thinks of” as one’s personality. What appears to emerge (see “A Short Journey to The Dive Self” and “The Divine Holographic Energy Field”) for someone who is undertaking such a journey is an experience of their True and Divine Self.

This is often an experience of one’s self that has associated such feelings as: lightness, great emotional and physical resilience, self confidence, self esteem, self worth, self mastery, compassion towards self and others, a great sense of inner knowing, intuitive and creative abilities, great inner peace and much more. All without the intrusion of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

This is what individuals who originally seek out psychotherapies are looking for when they do so.

Now all of the “negative” items I’ve listed above are “embedded” in the personality and in the bio-field in the first place, and psychotherapies focus on working “with” these items. So if, using a new tool, which I have described, called the Mind Resonance Process(TM), these items can be eliminated forthwith then the need to go on “working on them” will no longer exist.

In other words, all psychotherapies will no longer have any functional use!

If you would like to know more or possibly have an experience of what this means you may wish to visit the web site below in my bio.

Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is a Key Note Speaker, Author of “Esteem for the Self: A Manual for Personal Transformation” (available in ebook format at: http://www.telecoaching4u.com/ebook.htm), Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being.

Personal URL: http://www.telecoaching4u.com

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Health care providers can take care of depressed people. A physician, for one, has also training in treating psychiatric disorders. The same goes with the physician assistant and the nurse practitioner. If the case is severe, these health care providers will automatically refer the patient to mental health specialists.

The mental health specialists are composed of the following: psychiatrist, psychologist, a psychiatric nurse specialist and even a social worker.

The psychiatrist offers treatment and diagnosis for mental and psychiatric patients. A psychologist, on the other hand, is trained for counseling, psychological examination and psychotherapy. The social worker knows counseling to a certain degree, whereas a registered nurse who has taken masterals in psychiatric nursing can help out the patient.

Before the diagnosis can be made, the health care providers or mental health specialists will ask the patient on the following: symptoms, overall health and medical and mental history of the family. A physical exam will be carried out as well as some lab tests.

Depression, being an illness, requires tremendous emotional support from the family. A family member must accompany the patient on doctor visits to give the latter a boost.

During the course of the visit, the doctor will figure out if the case is severe, mild or moderate. Depression is severe if the person experiences all the symptoms and if it keeps him from doing all his daily activities. Moderate, if the person has a lot of the symptoms that it hampers his activities. It can be categorized mild if the person has some of the depression symptoms and if he needs more push to do all the things he needs to do.

No one must underestimate depression. It is a real illness, and therefore the patient needs all the help and attention he can get.

As said earlier, you are not alone in this problem. Fortunately, depression, of all psychiatric illnesses, proves to be one of the most treatable. With proper care, more than 80 percent of those suffering from major depression experience significant improvement. Even those suffering from severe depression can helped. Here are some treatments for depression problems:

Psychotherapy There are many types and methods of therapeutic approaches used for treating depression. The most common types are behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, rational emotive therapy, and interpersonal therapy. Approaches also include psychodynamic and family approaches. Both the individual as well as group modalities have been used commonly, but these depend on the severity of one’s depression, the financial resources of the person, and resources that are available locally.

Arguably the most prominent therapy in treating depression, the cognitive behavioral therapy is commonly used for handling the condition. There has been extensive research and medical studies that conducted to check or assess the safety as well as the effectiveness in treating depression using this type of therapy.

Considered the father of cognitive behavioral therapy, many written studies and books support this type of therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy uses simple techniques that focus primarily on the patient’s negative thought patterns. These negative thought patterns are also known as cognitive distortions. A person suffering from depression may from time to time use these cognitive distortions, igniting the condition.

The therapy starts with the establishment of a supportive and warm environment for one suffering from depression. Making the patient learn about how his or her depression problem may be a result of thinking in cognitive distortions is generally the next step. The types of faulty logic and thinking are also discussed in this step (such as “everything or nothing logic,” “blame mis-attribution,” “overgeneralization,” among others) and the person being treated is encouraged to start taking notes of the thoughts he or she has been having as they happen throughout his or her day. This is conducted for the person to understand and realize how often and common this kind of thoughts are occuring.

In this type of therapy, the emphasis is mainly placed on realizing the thoughts as well as the behaviors that are associated with the depression problem rather than on the emotions themselves. The rationale for this emphasis is that is strongly believed that by altering one’s thoughts and consequently, behaviors, his or her emotions will most likely change as well. Because of this type of therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy is often short-term (generally lasts up to a dozen sessions or two only) and best suits people that are experiencing some kind of distress that is related to the depression they are having. Individuals that are able to handle a problem using a perspective that is unique and therefore are most likely cognitively-oriented could also do well under this approach.

Interpersonal therapy, on the other hand, is also a therapy on a short-term basis used for treating depression. In this type of treatment, the focus usually lies on the social relationships of the patient and determine ways in improving these relationships. It is strongly believed that in order to improve the overall well-being of a person (or the patient in the case); he or she needs to have a stable and good social support.

When a person’s relationships become unhealthy, the person would most likely suffer from this problem. This therapy approach then seeks to enrich one’s skills in social relationships, expression of his or her emotions, assertiveness, and communication skills. This type of approach is usually done individually but sometimes can be used also in a setting for group therapy.

Many individual approaches would place importance more on the patient’s active personal involvement in recovering from depression. Persons being treated under an individual approach are usually enticed and encouraged to finish homework assignments between sessions. If the person is not capable yet to join in therapy sessions actively, then his or her therapist could be the one to first provide the patient an environment that supports him or her until the medication starts to help improve his or her state of feelings and mind.

Psychodynamic or psychoanalytic approaches in treating depression currently do not have much research to recommend their use. Although there are some therapists that might use psychodynamic theory in helping conceptualize a patient’s personality, there are some issues raised on how this could prove to be an effective and efficient depression treatment.

Couples or family therapy could also be considered if the depression of the patient directly affects family relationships. These types of therapy focus on the interpersonal relationships among family members. In addition, these approaches seek to ensure good communication in the family. The roles of the family members in a patient’s depression could be examined. Education about the depression problem in general might also be used as part of the family therapy.

Medication The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved numerous medications for treating depression. These drugs have been sorted into classes; each medication has a unique chemical structure which acts on various chemicals present in the brain.

It is necessary to remember that all medications approved by the DFA to treat depression are effective and recommended - they just do not work the same effect for everybody.

You might want to closely work with the doctor in determining which drug is the best for your condition. Sometimes, conditions may involve having more than just one medication; some work with a mixture of medications. This is important: Do not change your medication or discontinue your dosage without asking your doctor.

Dr. Isaac Schumann brings to you a life time of experience in the mental health field
www.depressionhelpguides.com

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Picture a man at the train station. I found this example on the Internet about the difference between data, information and knowledge. The train tables on the station show data about train schedules. The way the data is presented produces information informing users about the train departures, etc. Knowledge however is produced by the person in front of this schedule, knowing from experience that a certain train will arrive first, even though it left later. (a free translation of: www.hemmis.be/producten/emaserver/emaserverkendata.htm)

“What do you want?” You’ve probably heard this question enough when searching for a career. Knowledge management starts when you have to find your first job and knowledge management will keep you company when moving forward with ever next step. For every question - what do I want - you will think about; what do I have? What are my capabilities and competences?

Simple. There are many careers that are quite transparent; most medical careers, accounting and to a lesser extent law. Many other careers are much more ambiguous. You may study engineering but favor a sales oriented job. It is easy if you know what you want, but when you are in front of the gate of the university, you are not aware of the destination.

Knowledge management. Knowledge management is just taking care of this gap between wish and reality, between the future and now. Knowledge management is about coming into action, because you know what you want (to achieve). For a company this is not really different although that there are many individuals in a group that is moving into same direction. Nobody really knows into what direction exactly and what knowledge is therefore suitable.

Learning. Continuous learning seems one solution of bridging knowledge gaps. As long as you are eager to learn you will get there in the end (and hopefully a bit sooner). But learning is not always the solution. First of all it is expensive. Secondly it requires a sequential process; first you learn than you do. First we go to school, and then we start working. Besides that, learning doesn’t always trigger new actions. And that is in the end what a company needs. Action.

On the job. On the job learning is a best practice that has proven itself worthy. One disadvantage of this style is that the knowledge gaining process is merely implicit; you know what seems to work well, but your organization (you) doesn’t know why. And if you do not know why, you can’t judge either whether this - way - is applicable in another environment.

Exchanging experiences. We all know the example of someone who joins a new organization, bringing in new knowledge. Valuable knowledge. But this new employee also needs to learn a lot about the way this organization functions. There is a mismatch. But that is not too much of a problem as long as there is a will to cooperate and to share ideas how things were done on either side.

Bottom line. What matters therefore is not the amount of knowledge that people carry with them, but the “amount” of attitude in which they are willing to share this. Knowing this; If you are to manage knowledge you do not have to focus on knowledge as content, but mostly on the way this knowledge process takes place. Then you can also be confident that the man who is standing in front of the time tables is not alone.

© 2006 Hans Bool

Hans Bool is the founder of Astor White a traditional management consulting company that offers online management advice. Astor Online solves issues in hours what normally would take days.
You can apply for a free demo account

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Does conflict disrupt your workplace environment? Read on! Judy Ringer answers some commonly asked questions on the subjects of workplace conflict, difficult people, and how to manage them more effectively.

Q. What are some typical breakdowns in the workplace?

JR: I wouldn’t call them breakdowns, but conflicts. A typical conflict is what is sometimes called triangulation. One person is upset with their coworker, and instead of speaking with the co-worker about their concern, they talk to someone else about it or many others about it. Office gossip starts this way.

Different work styles, misunderstanding of roles, jumping to conclusions — these are all ways that conflicts get started.

Q. Why do people keep falling into the same traps in the workplace?

JR: Our training is insufficient. We’ve been trained to deal with conflict in ways that are not useful. A typical myth about conflict is that it is negative. And so we see people around us either avoiding it or acting out their feelings. The triangulation example demonstrates this myth. I’m afraid to speak directly to you about a conflict, but I will talk to others about it. And so the problem doesn’t go away. In fact it often gets worse.

We keep falling into these traps because we see others doing it that way. In spite of the fact that it doesn’t work, it’s what we know so we keep doing it, hoping for a different result. Of course that doesn’t work, and we keep having the same conflicts.

Q. Please give some examples of disrespectful behavior.

JR: This is an important question. It helps to understand that behavior that appears disrespectful to me may not appear the same to you. Did she mean to be disrespectful? Or is she just tired this morning? Or shy? Or preoccupied? (The list goes on.)

On the other hand, ignoring a new supervisor’s request to perform a task differently can show disrespect, especially if you don’t communicate about it. Eye rolling, sighing, clicking your tongue, giggling conspiratorially with another coworker — these often show a willing disrespect.

Sometimes we don’t know we’re being disrespectful. It’s important that new employees understand the work culture and what does and does not constitute disrespect. Social skills are learned. One of the supervisor’s jobs is to help employees understand when their actions are perceived as disrespectful and to give them alternatives. A good supervisor is a good teacher.

Q. How do I know if my boss is a tormentor or a teacher?

JR: Ha! That’s up to you. You decide. You have that power. Our most difficult situations, coworkers, and bosses can turn out to be teachers if we choose to learn something about why we react to them. What would it take to change my attitude from making a judgment about them to being curious about them, or being curious about my reaction to their behavior?

And I don’t mean to say that the boss is necessarily right or that his behavior is beyond reproach. What I mean is that I have to make some choices about how to handle what’s coming at me from this person. I could talk to him about the impact his behavior is having on me, the team, and our ability to get the job done. Or I could complain to others. Do I have the awareness and skill to notice my resistance, check out which of my buttons are being pushed, and make a wise decision about how to proceed?

Maybe I find that if I change slightly I can regain some confidence and equanimity and be able to handle the situation more effectively. This is how a tormentor becomes a teacher. As I learn about myself I begin to have new options.

Q. How can an employee create a win-win situation with a tormentor?

JR: You begin by being curious. What would make a reasonable, rational person behave this way? The answer is usually something you can identify with. For example, an authoritarian boss usually has values around perfection, looking good, being in control, and getting the job done correctly. I certainly can identify with these intentions. The way the boss acts out the intention may be rough. But now you have the basis for a conversation. You’re entering in a more positive way, and you can talk about commonalities.

Another way to create win-win solutions is by asking useful questions of the other person. What is important to them in this conflict? What would they like the outcome to be? One of the best questions I ever raised in a conflict was to ask the other person what caused them to be so upset with me, and what I might have done differently. She was happy to tell me. I learned a lot.

Q. What are some tips to handle strong emotions in the workplace?

JR: Begin by acknowledging the emotions. Take a minute and take stock of your own emotions. Name them. Are you angry, sad, happy, surprised, disappointed? Usually there are many emotions happening simultaneously. Acknowledge as many as you can. Next, identify the underlying causes. Often there’s a story connected to the emotion that’s causing you to react but has nothing to do with the current event. If you can identify the story (usually an old, familiar one), you can bring some awareness to the situation. The awareness tells you how much of the emotion has to do with the current event and how much of it is from the past event. Once you know, you can choose how to utilize the energy. For example, with a huge emotion, you might be tempted to hide it or to act it out on the other person. When you get a sense about why the event is so charged, you’ll regain some balance and be able to make a wiser decision about how to (or even if you want to) have a conversation with the person instead.

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings as well. Consider what story they might be telling themselves, and inquire about it. For example: “You sound upset (acknowledgment). Are you? Have I said something that caused you to react this way (inquiry)?” It just takes practice, like anything else.

Q. Can you give five tips to managing a difficult conversation?

JR: Most books on this topic, though they may speak differently about them, identify the same basic skills for handling difficult conversations:

1. Start with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and gain control of them. Breathe. Identify your desired outcome for the conversation and try to guess at theirs. What do they want? What do you want?

2. Be curious. Inquire. Find out how they see the situation. Ask useful questions and listen. Don’t judge or make assumptions. Don’t take it personally. This is their story and they can tell it whatever way they want. Support them.

3. Acknowledge their story and their feelings. Validate their concerns. This doesn’t mean you agree. It means that you hear them. It’s a tremendous gift and moves the conversation in a useful direction. You get a gift, too. You learn a lot about what’s important to this person, which will be helpful when you begin to look for solutions.

4. Advocate for yourself. What is your story? What are they not seeing? Explain how the situation looks from your perspective. Go slowly and don’t assume.

5. Build solutions based on new understanding. As you begin to listen and talk, information comes out that will help you co-create effective solutions with your partner.

© 2004 Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training

About the Author: Judy Ringer is a conflict and communication skills trainer, black belt in aikido, and sole owner of Power & Presence Training and Portsmouth Aikido. To learn more and sign up for free tips and articles like these, visit http://www.JudyRinger.com

Note: You’re welcome to reprint this article as long as it remains complete and unaltered (including the “about the author” info at the end), and you send a copy of your reprint to judy@judyringer.com

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